Nina’s* Domestic Violence Story
My story isn’t quite over… my ex is on bail after he raped me and I still don’t know if he will be charged.
He was so charming when I met him, kind, loving, funny, caring. The usual. He was my son’s martial arts teacher. He was very open about his past and admitted being physically violent towards an ex, and that he had been arrested for statutory rape when he was only 10. He had also been a drug addict, shoplifter, fraudster…but I truly believed it was all in his past and admired him for having turned his life around. How wrong I was.
The emotional abuse came first… his control and jealousy were draining. He couldn’t bear me having any friends, but male friends used to give him the ‘red mist’ as he put it. He pushed food in my face one time because I was on the phone to a male friend of 20 years. If any man even looked at me it would end up being my fault. I was always in the wrong, no matter what I did.
The rages were terrifying. As a martial arts instructor, his physical strength had no limits. He would spit in my face, punch the wall right next to at the last minute instead of punching my face, because as he said, one of his punches would have killed me outright. He used to mimic my son’s voice (who has asperger’s syndrome). When I fell pregnant he told me ‘the fetus would probably be brain damaged and I’d have another special needs kid anyway’. He caused me to miscarry. He said I was like an animal that needed to be put down. After the first rape, he told me I could just ‘add it to the list of things he’d done to me’.
He was arrested the first time, bailed, but not charged (not enough evidence). He broke his bail conditions, texting and calling me, saying how much he missed me and cared for me. The police wouldn’t arrest him for breaking his bail conditions and intimidating a witness because they ‘didn’t think i was in any danger of him’. I tried so hard to get away from him. But when the police wouldn’t do anything I felt hopeless. I ended up going back. The abuse got worse. After the 2nd rape he said no one would believe me if I told them because they never believed me the first time. Said that if I did report it and it went to court I would be ripped apart on the stand. Said (of the first rape) it hadn’t been worth the trouble it had caused him because he hadn’t got any enjoyment out of it anyway.
It went on and on… everytime I told him to leave me alone he wouldn’t… threatened me with blackmail over nude photographs he had taken of me. Threatened to hunt me down. I have him on tape threatening to ‘rape my friend as well’. Mind games, telling me I should never have gone to the police cos he’d said he was sorry… he tried to crash his car into a tree and a brick wall when I was in it so we could ‘commit suicide’… when I told him it was over forever and I had his threats on tape he threatened to kill me and my son. So I got a non mol against him. Still didn’t stop him! So I let his employers know I had the injunction (because he works with vulnerable women/children. Also told them he’d obtained his job using fraudulent documents (all proven). And then I was arrested, charged and found guilty of harassing HIM because apparently it’s a criminal offense to advise one’s employers… according to the law I should have gone to the police…
I reported the second rape and am still waiting to find out if the CPS are going to charge him. I doubt they will, my faith in the police is at an all time low. The officer that arrested me lied to the CPS about my interview, distorted the situation and then told me that he wasn’t going to be arrested for planting evidence, committing perjury and corruption, because it wasn’t in the public interest! I have come very close to having a breakdown…
But the strange thing is… even though I’m still scared of him – I know what he’s capable of and don’t believe this is the end of his abuse of me, I’ll always be looking over my shoulder… but leaving him was the best thing I’ve ever done. Even though I have a conviction (for telling the truth!) I have got him out of my day to day life… I never have to hear his arrogant, bullying voice again. It has taken a long time to get strong again. But I am strong again. And even if he’s never charged for the second rape… I’ve won. Because he’s out of my life, out of my head and he doesn’t control me anymore. There are still down days… but slowly, life is becoming good again!
Nina*
February 2012