Sunk Costs in Relationships

Recently, an old friend who I was staying with asked me if I wanted to sleep with him.

I declined.

To cut a long story short, he got upset, angry, used his physical size to try to intimidate me, and kicked me out of the house.

Leaving aside the mismatched expectations, what went wrong in this interaction?

The Art of Asking

There are two ways to ask a person for something – requests and demands.

When you make a request, you unconditionally accept that the other party has the right to either accept or deny your request.

When you make a demand, you are imposing your will and encroaching upon the free will of the other person.

The problem with my former friend’s proposition was the expectation therein. Although it was phrased as a request, there were consequences if I gave the “wrong” response. His request was in fact a demand.

Agency

For healthy communication to take place in any relationship, each participant must be able to:

• freely choose at any moment if they want to continue the connection,
• decide in what capacity they want to participate in said connection,
• make these decisions without threat to their wellbeing.

If these conditions are not met, the result is an abusive power differential that curtails personal agency and forces at least one person in the relationship to make decisions under duress.

Self-Esteem and Breaking the Cycle

This situation encroached upon my personal agency, however the outcome was very different to when I was in an abusive relationship. At that time, I didn’t value myself enough to believe I deserved better. I got caught up in the cycle of violence. In this situation however, the cycle didn’t get the chance to complete a revolution. I couldn’t choose how my former friend chose to act towards me. But I could choose my response and how I would allow myself to be treated going forward. In the moment that he issued a demand with consequences if I didn’t comply, our friendship irrecoverably changed from one of mutual care and respect to one that was toxic. It was time to let it go.

The key to breaking the cycle of violence is the “fuck this” moment. The “fuck this” moment is the cognitive dissonance that arises when someone treats you worse than you would ever treat yourself. It follows that the more highly you regard yourself, the less bullshit and disrespect you are going to tolerate in your relationships. Self-esteem is the hook upon which the quality of all of your relationships hang. Self-esteem, my community, and mental strength were the crucial factors that allowed me to easily identify, extricate, and distance myself from the situation immediately.

Mental Strength

• I didn’t assume that I was the problem. I recognised that my rejection was the catalyst for my former friend’s emotional distress, but not the source.
• I accepted that his feelings were his responsibility, and his actions were his own choice. Lashing out was his way of trying to disperse the intensity of his difficult and unpleasant emotions, but it wasn’t my responsibility to patch him up and make him feel better.
• I could admit to myself that I had misjudged his character.
• I already had a framework from which to work. First-hand experience of the behavioural red flags that precede the domestic violence cycle meant that I didn’t waste time or mental resources questioning myself or what I was experiencing.
• I didn’t try to placate him, reason with him, or compromise. I just left.
• I used my anger effectively. I was furious at my former friend, because knew I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I used the anger as fuel to maintain emotional distance when I was hurt.
• I knew when it was time to let go of the anger and grieve the loss of what was once an important friendship.
• I knew when it was time to forgive. Negative emotions have their use, but their utility has a limited shelf life. I used them to effectively to process the situation, then let them go. Life is too short to be bitter.

Strength in Community

• I reached out to a trusted friend for assistance as soon as I felt threatened. He had my back, and was at my front door within minutes to help me.
• I spoke to my friends and family about the experience immediately and let them support me. This is important. Don’t give yourself the chance to normalise or make excuses for the behaviour. The people who love you will respond with shock, surprise, and disgust that someone would treat you poorly. They see your value, and will make sure you do too.
• I discussed my anger, sadness, and vulnerability with my friends and family instead of trying to “be strong” and deal with the situation alone.

Saying Goodbye

It hurts to say goodbye. Our natural inclination when we have invested time and energy into a relationship is to find some way to maintain that connection. We are social creatures, and it goes against our natural instincts to cut ties with someone who was important to us. But not all connections should be maintained. The desire to do so stems from an error in reasoning known as the sunk cost fallacy, which stipulates that we are more likely to maintain a course of action in which we are already invested. But when it comes to a relationship that has turned toxic, it’s important to recognise that the time is gone and cut your losses. Think of it as the price of a life lesson. Learn from it and move on.

You teach people how to treat you. The behaviour that you’re willing to tolerate is both the threshold for the behaviour you’re going to get and social proof for what you will accept. Every moment you spend with someone who is not worthy of your time robs you of time you could be spending with someone who is. Focus your time and energy on the people who show you the respect you deserve.

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Uncategorized by Taz