Shauna’s* Domestic Violence Story

January 6, 2013

Happy, really silly, full of love
and really caring. If you met me now you’d think I was
miserable I have absolutely no love left to give and I’m
always so serious and paranoid. Well, hello my name is Shauna
and I’ve become a ghost.

It all starts two years ago, and I remember it like it was
yesterday, I remember looking over and seeing this well kept
handsome blue eyed man the face of a baby and the best sense
of humor ever I remember he was always surrounded by friends
and that I just had to have him. Back than I was strong and
enjoying my life, I say back then and you’re probably
thinking 2 years not that long ago right? But it took 20
yeas to become who I was and then just 2 years to completely
change and ruin everything. Billy , blue eyes, was great….in
the beginning, we went to the movies and he’d take me to
dinner he bring over movies and a there always surprised me with
candy, chewy tints, he’d cook me the best dinners, we had the
same tacky but very intelligent sense of humor, and we both
clearly enjoyed the connection we had, except something kept
him from wanting to make anything of it he’d constantly, and
at the most awkward times, remind me, quote “it is what it
is” and “he didn’t want a commitment”, ahh step one of
Billy ’s mind games, it was very confusing we were spending so
much time together I mean clearly there was something there
right? Well me being freshly 20 years old wanted so bad to
snatch up this 29 year old “hottie” so I began to try weekly
to change everything about myself to fit into what he wanted,
crazy I get it, it went on this way for months, like a game.
Time went on and I guess things just naturally grew, perfect?
I thought so. Around 3 months in one night he came a drinking
and I was his bartender, the beginning of the “you caused
it’s” and “its you faults”, needless to say a few long
islands in I was a bit worried for his safety I decided to
take his keys, I lived upstairs, and told him to just hang
out and than head to my place to sleep it off. Before this
point I can’t recall eve seeing him angry or even arguing
with him and I had so many feelings for him and hoped things
would pursue. Well he wasn’t happy about me taking his keys
and for the fist time I saw him angry, no, completely out of
his mind infuriated! He called me names and embarrassed me in
font of everybody at my place of employment, now I wouldn’t
be surprised, but then it was terrifying, you could imagine
the state of shock I was in, it was pure rage I’d truly never
saw anyone lose it like that. Well I gave him back his keys
and at the end of the night I was ready to go home and just
blame that one on the alcohol, tuns out that he wasn’t over
it. I take a deep breath when I type this… For some reason
this one still huts and haunts me, this was truly the last
time I’d seen him as a “good” person, well…. Billy  followed
me up to my apartment…he than just savagely ripped off my
clothing while shouting over and over again “where are you
going to go now” and “no one is going to help you”, The
details of this are so clear and still so ripe the fact that
I remember everything from what I was wearing to the shoes he
had on simply amazes me, who would’ve thought that would be
the fist time I would become damaged. I didn’t think
people really acted that way, I was smaller than him, I did
nothing wrong! I can just remember the shock I felt,
disbelief as he began to physically strike me, again, shock
pure shock and yet so
intriguing, I thought domestic violence was a shove or a
slap, I was wrong He than completely trashed MY house,
this guy I barely know, in my home, as I watched I was so
confused, I just kept thinking when is this going to stop,
but it didn’t stop it never stopped, that night Billy  ruined
me and this is whee it stats, on this night he took away
something from me that I’ll never get back, I remember
exactly how it felt as he aped me as I cried and told him to
stop as I couldn’t believe that it was happening as I went
from Shauna to confused. That night was by fa the most
unexplainable thing to have eve happened to me, I remember
waking up and feeling so confused, I felt guilty because
although I said stop and I was scared and I didn’t want to do
it, for some reason it felt good. The next day was something
I didn’t want to deal with, I felt so used, He casually got
up got dressed, but never said a word, In fact it’d be almost
5 months late until I received “sorry”, he left my house
whee I live while I stood there alone baffled confused and
scared, who is this person, to me he was perfect, a union
electrician surrounded by so many friends this guy is so
funny he wasn’t abusive he was perfect, what the hell just
happened? After that night I decided to do what was best and
I never talked to him again, it would be nice if that’s whee
this, my story, although it doesn’t define my life, ends. A
few months late I found somebody, just a fiend, obviously
traumatized, but he was somebody human. His name is Matthew,
oh man, He treated me sooo good, we just laughed all the time
and we’d stay up all night playing cads we always got along,
he helped me trust again. Although one day Matthew had to go
away, he definitely wasn’t a law abiding person but a vey
vey nice man, I was fine like I said we were just friends
and I forgot to mention I was new to the area and apparently
you have to pick a click, strange place. Billy  came poking
around again, almost as if he knew what was going on, I had
nearly forgotten about him, which almost makes me feel
forgetful and guilty that I decided to jump in and never
leave. Of course in the beginning I wanted no pat of that,
but here comes, as my friends say, “the best Billy  act” not
to mention his charm and MY forgiving nature, that no longer
exists. I truly put it in the past “it was the alcohol” and
decided Id give it a go, we never talked about it he never
did apologize right away, bad move for the long un,
truthfully, I never did let it go, and I didn’t trust

Time stood still around this time, I really can’t recall us
eve NOT arguing everything just is a memory, spurts of
things that I remember, others I chose to forget The
craziest pat to me, the thing I can’t understand is
everything that happened I knew was wrong, every time he got a
little crazy it amazed me, I got so intrigued because this
was different, it, to me, was weird there was a time that
really scared me, and to me it’s not the worst, it’s sick, he
asked me to go though my phone, well my response was no, and
I remember I had just gotten out of the shower, he took the
key to his ca and stated shoving it into my private, again,
to me, it was insane. Than there’s the time that he gabbed
my throat, we were arguing about to a liquor convention, and
for the fist time I actually hit him, I am petty sue
everything went in slow motion because I just remember
thinking “this is going to hut” he lifted his leg and kicked
me so had in my head, I remember telling him that I had seen
white, his response, something again I will never forget,
“that’s just you’re brain hitting you skull you’re fine”. It
was just getting so had to believe that it was happening, I
was so young and he was a gown up, I can still feel that
switch go off, I gave up, I stopped fighting back when he’d
force sex, I stopped caring, I had nobody. The strangest
thing, the reason why I decided to go in depth and write out
as much as I can remember isn’t to offend anyone and I surely
don’t expect anyone to read it, I truly talk about it, I’m so
loud about it hoping for the right words or the perfect
advice to somebody to just save me, trade lives with me but
nobody really head me and I think it felt like I was telling
someone else’s story, so today I’m writing/typing it out, I
want to go back and read it. it truly feels, to me, like an
accomplishment. It’s so had to explain to people the feeling
of that moment, that feeling of truly being terrified

So now I’m going to back up A few months, I don’t want to
make him seem like he’s a complete monster because truly he
wasn’t. I won’t deny that I truly believe Billy  has a plan, I
believe he truly manipulates and I hate to say it but he
really has perfected it, I like to call it the 12 step
Billy  Smith pogam to ruin someone’s life, I’ll definitely
give it to the kid he’s a really really intelligent person,
but he’s going to be really lonely.

I remember when I met Billy , he had to “teach me” his way of
having sex, to me at that time in my life, sex was passion,
face to face, chest to chest everything else was just dirty
and painful. well things would get extremely aggressive, I
went along with it there were times it was new, he liked it,
so I liked it, it was fun, but now I guess I should’ve saw
that as a ed flag, when I met Billy  he was on probation for
assault on his girlfriend, but no he was nice, she was a
liar, he’d assure me she just liked rough sex, how naive,
during sex he’d choke me and he’d slap me, sometimes I
enjoyed it, other times, it’d get so out of hand, I look back
now and the waning signs were right in font of me. Once the
abuse stated to get extremely physical I just couldn’t
handle having sex like that I didn’t enjoy it there was no
disconnect from what was really happening.

Around the time that I really noticed what I’d gotten myself
into, when I realised it was never going to stop, I stated
to talk about it, but I think maybe too much, and to the
wrong people, it was so weird, it was like there was
something that I wanted just one person to say something that
I wanted to hear, so I talked to everyone but nobody told me
to stay. Because I made the mistake and was so vocal about
it, Billy  gained another point in his favour, I just kept
walking right into the web’s, I was called a liar behind my
back and that I was staving for attention, and it felt like
thee was nobody to help me. I just wanted somebody to truly
understand how weird and how different this was, why I was
doing this, and why it became comforting, why I was just
spiralling and completely throwing my life away. I’d lost my
job and in tun had lost my home because of someone who a few
months ago was nobody to me. Billy  was so smart and so
planned on everything, to me he was nothing more than a
criminal but I couldn’t give up now, I was so intrigued He
never left marks, and he always made sure to be careful to
not get caught, he’d always stat with the hair I remember
bumps and bruises on my scalp but nothing he could do could
make me walk away, it became so regular ended with sex that I
had no choice in, that became my sex life with him, it became
so routine, every time we agued, I just knew what I was in
for and I was ready I put it now as if I have it all figured
out, but in that moment I was completely lost. I will be
honest, I do believe he was slightly karma, I mean why me?
Thee’s definitely been times in my life were I’ve been
dramatic, there’s been times that I even felt stupid
afterwards but this, this was different, I was living in it
in this hell that I was stating to thrive off of. I had
noticed that I was changing, I virtually had nothing else to
talk about except him and what was going on, I became
obsessed with tying to figure it out, to me I wasn’t being
abused, it was almost like I was being duped or “punked”. I
lost a lot of friends at this point, I was the “debbie
downe” people didn’t want to be involved, people began to
think we were “scary” so than slowly but surely he was
literally all that I had, and than he used it to his
advantage. As things got hade to deal with and he was truly
winning every battle I’d had no friends I’d had no self
respect and I definitely stopped caring about nearly
everything…… Except him, of course Cleve guy, he
probably felt so proud, he isolated me and than he’d pull
away from me, leave me to feel bad and than come back and
teat me like I was doing something wrong I was truly losing
my gip on reality, I truly feel, and I know I’m blaming
everything on him and not taking any kind if responsibility,
but, he just enjoyed watching me become a nobody, he truly
felt like somebody. I hate to have these conspiracy theories,
especially being a little bitter, but he truly has mastered
HIS way of making people so confused, gils, women, and even
men and he seriously has it down to a science. I mean I’ve
seen Billy  out, mingling, socializing, his voice changes, his
mannerisms change, his laugh, everything, never noticed
before and when I did it scared me, he manipulated everyone,
it isn’t just me, I remember the base of nearly every
argument, and this is about a yea in, it always had to do
with his love and his time, I don’t mean to come off needy o
clingy, I might be, and truly I think I deserved it and it
felt like I earned it, I didn’t even care that he was so
emotionally abusive or physical with me just outweigh it with
a hug, a kiss, an I love you from time to time….never, he
never in two years told me he loved me fist, I just remember
how much I begged, and I felt stupid, pathetic, low! I just
wanted to hear that I was petty that he enjoyed me! Maybe he
could’ve just hugged me because I loved him in my mind I felt
like I would do anything for him, I’d always say but we’ve
been though so much together but now I look back, it was me
that was put though so much, I never called the police and I
always stuck right by him even though the “secret” was out.
another pat of his Alfa male game that I fed into for what
feels like eternity, I loved him with everything and it was
different it was something that I couldn’t explain it just so
natural, that is clear to me now, a natural infatuation,

Well we get to whee I stated to rebel, in the wrong ways. I
went out looking for affection, tuning to sex from other
people, why didn’t I just leave, right?, well I wanted him to
see that other people enjoy me I’m not the “gross” “fat” “low
life”…etc that he would constantly say that I am. The
problem is, is that I got affection from his friends, they
truly felt so soy for me, it gave me a connection, not my
intention, the fact that they knew him for nearly his entire
life made me feel comforted, you can take that either way if
you want to play devils advocate, for so long he made me feel
like the problem and they reminded me that they know him,
he’s the problem Well at this point I am now the liar,
attention seeking, slut oh definitely all backfired, again he
got to look like I was doing something wrong to him. See with
them was never about the sex of even getting close to them it
was just so nice to feel wanted even for a shot amount of
time. You’e probably reading this thinking well why did she
stay right? or wow what a wreck, I’m thinking the sane thing
too, but in those moments I’d like to say I had truly just
lost myself completely. I can’t tell you the number of times
I got the “you’re so much better than that” speech or the
“move on” “get away from him” “oh hunny you’e so petty”
conversations, but what they couldn’t understand is I wasn’t
with him at this point because he was a guy or my boyfriend
he owned me. let me tell you I type this now but in that
moment, at that second every breath, every thought, he was
everything it seems so insane now, thank god for that, but
than it was my life. I’d played his hand and he won he always
won. know I should’ve left I know I should’ve an, fa fa
away, but my response was always don’t you think I know, I’m
not a dumb girl, you can judge, I’ve never been though this
before, eve! I had felt so worthless, broken, who would want
me? I had acne, I had a little girl, I had stretch marks I
had a dead end job I didn’t have a ca, he had pounded it
into my head that I was truly nobody and I can’t believe that
I had believed it, this isn’t me, this is not who I am, I a
free spirited extremely outgoing person I truly wish and
sometimes when he had his hands around my neck begged him to
kill me, I didn’t want to carry this forever, I didn’t even
remember how I got involved in this, I had been in
relationships before, when things got bad I was always the
one to leave, I was young, I had been though a lot, I was
proud, yet all of those traits were gone.I watched everyone
live a normal life, facebook had become my only outside
source, my friends I used to have were having fun and I saw
myself aging and my hair falling out and I looked in the
mio and just remember not recognising myself but I just
kept saying it was too late, this is you life, at 20 yeas
old. Now I feel so dumb and so ridiculous extremely forgetful
and embarrassed I had the urge to leave, I could feel it, we
didn’t even live together Shauna stand up grow up who cares,
but id just go right back it was just to had and so lonely,
even though it was just as lonely with him. He trained, I was
officially his puppet, sometimes I don’t think he truly meant
to do this to me, he didn’t want to be with me because now I
was just his, following him around like a lost puppy, but he
didn’t realize he had caused this this was what he did. He
would throw on his Abercrombie clothes and pretend he was
someone he wasn’t and made me feel so terrible about myself,
but again I only see this now, what did he really have at 30
he was unemployed he lived in his parents attic. He used to
say that I’ll be nothing but trailer trash, and I had always
saw a white picket fence with Billy , shallow… maybe, but to
be honest I’d rather be happy in my trailer on the lake than
be teated like I’m nobody for the est of my life.

Now before I continue on, I don’t want anyone to think he’s
an all bad person, I allowed him to do this, and I try and
keep it nonchalant because I just want to get this story out
thee off my chest in detail because I have truly never dealt
with it. I had head myself say it, but never really
listened. I guess I’m an abused person now, I can just feel
the pain and the emotion and the scared feeling that nearly
indescribable to someone who has never been though it. I
want to be there for someone else. I want people to notice
that it’s real reallyea and its not for attention and its
going on under you nose. People are living there lives like
this everyday and in worse circumstances They need to know
that they WILL be okay! there is life out there. there truly
is freedom from pain. I always thought being alone would
stink, really really bad, but believe it or not. When you
don’t get screamed at on you cell phone, or when you aren’t
watching the time it truly feels like an accomplishment and
truly do deserve it! I can’t throw my emotions over the
internet, and I can’t show you videos or take you back to
these days with me, I was so alone, those friends I lost,
some of them I let go of, but the ones I truly loved and
missed, I reached out to them and now they are my rock, we
don’t talk about it, of dwell on it, we live normal lives,
happy normal lives. And I know that if you don’t leave people
tend to give up on you, or make you feel bad that you are
“putting yourself though this” it’s just a guy right? No,
no! it was my life. It sucked me dy. I teated the people
around me like complete garbage to try to give this person
every bit of everything I had. It’s sad but it happens and it
happened and in the moment you have no control you become
their robot, you’e trained to hate everyone and everything,
which makes you the miserable one right, the game, the
addiction, it’s had to beak. You are being tossed and you
are tuned and you are pulled left and right folded in half
and ripped to threads you become ruined, you fade into a
shadow and its all because a fellow human being was lucky
enough that you chose to love them. YOU AE NOT WEAK! YOU AE
FILLED WITH PASSION! Like I said, I was strong and I didn’t
choose for this to happen there are people out there, not
necessarily Billy , people that only want slaves because they
just love themselves too much to really feel that deep
connection and I feel bad for them, I feel so bad for him, I
always did and always will, but that isn’t how I envision my
life. I can tell you there were times scattered throughout
this nightmare that I knew he really did love me, he just
wasn’t raised or wasn’t sue how to be anything other than
macho. At the end there was just too much we both wee
holding onto, we couldn’t grow either of us. With that being
said, I found out I was pregnant in October, to be truly
honest I was happy, I had a piece of someone I tied to shake
the love out of and this piece of him would love me. So I
made the phone call, mind you it’d been nearly a month since
I spoke to him, I figured I was the problem, I got a full-time
job, got my license and thought maybe since there was space,
I was “fixed” it’d be awesome! wrong! Well he disappointed me
again, and it wasn’t just me, it was our child. His abnormal
reaction was not what I expected, his fist word “abortion”
second word “now” deep down I knew that’d be for the best,
but I was doing so good now I thought we could do this.
Truthfully this is still so fresh, and after everything ive
been though the past few years it seemed like nothing
compared to losing my child. The hardest pat was feeling
like it had happened for a reason, I mean I this person had
aped me over and over again and I never got pregnant, Than
we made love that one night, we were out camping we enjoyed
each other we laughed and we made a baby, the feeling was not
mutual. He began to threaten me, my well being, my ca, “i’ll
ruin you life” everyday, every second, a constant but truly
everything about this story I have to share has completely
changed my entire life, he threatened me with everything and
it was nonstop, every day, and I just begged him to think
about it, I didn’t want to kill this baby, I could’ve raised
it on my own, it was already growing inside of me. Than one
night, I get a call, he’s dunk and he wants to hang out, when
you picture him I don’t want you to think he’s trashy, he’s
not or At least he doesn’t perceive himself that way, so I
could never understand why his attitude screamed white trash
Well of course I un right to his house, dropped everything
to be whee he was, no second thought and no thought process
All I could think about I’s how I’ve missed him and I want to
have this baby and fix all of these problems and get married
and live in a stupid fantasy, impossible, that night he
rubbed my stomach, I can remember how it felt, comforting,
perfect, I swore time just stopped, was everything finally
going to get bette? No, the next day it was an argument, get
the abortion Shauna I don’t want this kid, oh those words cut
like a dull knife and I just shook my head and cried, I had
no choice. We stayed distant for awhile and than thanksgiving
eve comes and I really wanted to make sue he was safe,
anything for time.. I could feel us drifting apart, I wasn’t
ready yet, so I dove, the night went great he put on the
best act, the most amazing show, which is the night I truly
stated to snap out of it all, I stated to see him
differently, it was weird, a feeling that I can’t explain,
but I was relieved This just stated rolling though my
head, “i don’t even know him anyone” “why does he act so
fake around people” “he’s really such a scumbag”
throughout the thoughts things were still going great
but I saw him drinking more and more, everyone knows dunk
Billy  is a scary Billy , but I’ll be a good stepford wife I’ll
be quiet I’ll act happy I wonder if anyone notices I’m really
scared, what a way to live huh, well the night came to an
end, I thought success! But than on the way out these gils
are calling his name and of course I just snapped, see not
innocent, you know Billy  when are you eve going to just see
what’s standing right here, I’ve truly done all I can, I can
say I stayed this long maybe because it was interesting but
I’m not interested anyone, I knew it, immediately I just
remember feeling the oh no, there’s that feeling that weird
scared feeling and I apologized I remember I just kept it
cool calm voice he’s dunk I’m not but at this point it was
too late, and I could tell by the utter age in his face that
I’m going to really get it tonight, it’s sad when we know, I
literally just was a puddle, I was really soy, even if I
eally ment it, it was too late, and in the ca, Bian’s
favoite place to get physical no whee to un, anothe ide
whee my hais going to be pulled and my face is definitely
going to be pushed against the glass, this time it was a lot
of yelling, I thought oh thank god, I’m safe, I just ageed
and nodded, and couldn’t wait to just get back to the house,
I wanted it to stop, I remember thinking I’m so tied, I used
to love to laugh, well we enteed his house up the stais,
now I know, I’m thinking this is a hoible way to live, but
I’m also thinking, finally Shauna, I can just remember as if
it’s eplaying in my mind, Infact I can clealy emembe
every single time he hit me and I can remember every single
time it happened I’d think, that’s it, I’m done, tonight I’m
going to die. He just shouted in my face, that I could deal
with, I am so tied of fighting back, so now I’m just sitting
thee, head hung, than, he snapped, if I didn’t answer he
snapped, if I answered he’d lose it. By this time in this
whole thing I’m thinking just lay there, take it and it’ll
all be over, if I fight back it huts more and it goes on for
hours, but if I just lay there its opportunity for him to
force me into sex, so fist goes the hands around my neck,
than he did it, and this is it, this is the moment, the
moment I saw him as such a lose such a complete monster, I
believe I finally cried because I felt soy for myself at
this moment, such a coward, he gabbed my stomach and
squeezed pushed, fear filled my entire body and the words
that willing in my ears constantly, “I want this thing out
of you, kill it!” And the voice that usually stays quiet to
just end all of the nonsense my voice, I tuned I looked at
him, and I never eve looked at him when it was physical, I
didn’t really like seeing him that way, I said “I don’t want
to”, his response, “why? Give me a reason” Mine, “well,
Billy , I love it already”, and I truly did, he replied that’s
not a reason I sat there, cried, for me, for him, for the
future just sat there and I cried until morning after he
ripped my underwater and screamed in my face, I just couldn’t
believe he made me go though another night like this, it
wasn’t that serious I was soy it didn’t need to be a 6 hour
eventà I just screamed in my head! How can I make you love
me! I didn’t deserve that! And this time it was clear, highly
recognisable In the morning, thanksgiving, I woke up, and I
felt what I felt that I haven’t felt in awhile, really hut
not numb but hut by him this time, was it bad that I had
become numb to all of this? These feelings of what are you
doing are getting stonger, I an down the stairs jumped in
my ca and sat there thinking this is so insane, why? This is
not normal! Does this really happen? Is this a lifetime
movie? Do relationships even exist, omg I can’t remember
Ahhh. dive Shauna dive. Seven hours late I get a text
message, real meaningful, “i’m sorry.” really are you?!?
Soy for what?!? Does he even remember this time?he acted
like he spilled something on me or simply bumped into me. I
wondered if he eve really looked at me? Looked though me,
eve really noticed how stressed out I was stating to look.
I wondered why, thinking back, he could sometimes spit out
I’m soy but he never could admit what he did. Did he think
this was normal? Was I stating to? Well time went by, we
wee definitely drifting, I felt it, I felt the change, after
days of threats, he decided to give me an offer I couldn’t
refuse, get the abortion or we’ll never be together again, if
you read this fa, you’d probably already guessed, I went in
and though hours of crying and wanting to leave and text
messages of persuasion I went and laid down by myself and
killed, my unborn 3 month old child. The physical and
emotional heartbreak was far worse than being hit by a 180
pound man weekly, but it wasn’t worse than being left by him
at this moment. I’d take one more kick to the head or cell
phone to the face, this was it, I now resented him and not
for flirting with a girl or not texting me back, he had just
forced me to kill our child. let’s face it he’s heatless, I
officially won’t forgive him for this I said. And truly I
didn’t. My favourite pat, which I actually wasn’t going to
mention, he decided he wanted to see me, at 10 o’clock at
night, and decided to show up dunk, honestly, I just sighed,
because I was done saving him. He’s not a little kid, he’s a
31 yea old man! He’s not a lose either he dives a nice ca
he comes from a nice family. I felt really confused. About a
week late, lost my grandmother, surprisingly, and odd, he
was there for me, he hugged me and he kissed me, not to sound
ungrateful, and believe me I didn’t say this out loud, but is
this what it takes to get affection? Idk, at this point I was
just completely fed up, but not the beak up make up fed up,
I could feel the cocoon breaking, I was ready to be fee, it
was the neatest feeling, and so new. Well I guess we can jump
to Christmas eve, ah where I Shauna Kelso finally found got
he wings. The last and final time I will ague, put up with,
of second guess myself. I begged him, please may we spend the
night together, I truly regretted it than, and days after but
now, completely content, after hours of HIM arguing because
again he knows I want to be with him, he can get away with
calling me terrible names and I can’t fight back, my tongue
definitely hut after the conversation, finally it let’s up,
be outside I’m honking the hon you don’t come out I’m
leaving!, well I’ll take what I can get, time! So things are
stating off good, but you always get that feeling the
thought when is it going to flip, which is a sign to un! ed
flag!, I’m diving with him and just thinking, man this guys
dropped me off on the side of the road, he’s left me
stranded, he’s traumatized me, he’s made me give him my whole
body, not to mention the years of therapy I’m going to need.
right now I’m going to stop and say, there is no actual way
anyone can truly fathom the feeling you get in any of these
situations, truly indescribable, which makes it intriguing
and addicting. I can’t describe the feeling and I really do
talk about it nonchalant but right now I’m in my grieving
process, I was sad, really sad, now I’m so angry! This guy
who’s just a regular guy nobody really that special, ha.
mastered a game, his game, a sick game. That he made the
rules to. He is very smart, and is going really be lost one
day, or maybe not, either way, we didn’t wok. oh man, to
think of how smart you have to be to just casually do this is
insane, he took every bit of information I gave him, he
remembered ALL of my weaknesses he completely twisted
everything to make me hate people so he could have his puppet
all to himself, and I think, it happened to me. I truly feel
like the only difference is that I never gave up, sometimes I
wanted to because I wanted to leave so bad but I couldn’t, of
course I could right? Oh I wish. I always kept myself
intrigued and studying him, because it’s so weird, why would
you act like that? I respect you, I forgive you, I am there
for you, what a waste. Well back to Christmas eve, I tend to
get off topic, this truly is my fist time going over nearly
every detail, so I’m just astonished, amazed, that’s my life,
wow, so we got back to his place and I just sat down and on
instinct made him laugh, ha I remember we tickled each other,
it was nice, but again so shot lived, we laid down to go to
sleep and I did what I always did when he fell asleep,
smelled him, he hated it, I just smelled his smell, so
unique, oh I always smelled him, I connected with it,
every time I’d smell him, sounds weird maybe, I’d breath in so
deep and before I could open my mouth I just felt that I
loved him, he’s the fist person in my life that I truly
loved, and he knew it, he sucked it to the last drop, I just
sat there watching TV, touching his am, I always loved when
he fell asleep, he was so nice, he looked so gentle, and I
could put his ams around me, I could kiss him I sometimes
could feel, or pretend to feel that he was dreaming about me,
maybe he’d wake up and care about me, as a person, but
every time he would wake up, he was still Billy  Smith, angry
with me, bitter, maybe I did do a lot wrong, maybe it was me,
I wok night shift so I couldn’t fall asleep, I love to write
him posted notes silly ones, but I remember I accidentally
knocked something over he woke up and the age in his eyes
made me want to hide, my initial reaction, I’m soy, Shauna
you did nothing wrong I thought, he just stated yelling stop
snooping though my room, you’e a stalk you’e psycho I’d
never seen him get like this, what the hell would I be
looking for? What are you hiding? And right here, this is the
moment, the adrenaline, the complete frustration with the
waste of life, the disappointment that I let this happen to
me, Shauna freaking Kelso, I jumped on top of him, I just
looked at my hands, for a split second because I was second
guessing myself, I took my hands I wrapped them around his
neck and I just choked him, but it didn’t feel good, in fact
it made me angry and sad, but I couldn’t stop I kept saying
how does it feel? How do you like it? And than I gabbed his
face like he grabs mine and I smushed it, I just kept
repeating how does it feel Billy ? How do you like it! And he
just sat there amazed, shocked, confused, I punched him in
the chest over and over crying and seaming I love you! I
truly love you so much! What is wrong with you! And than the
adrenaline stopped, I was out of strength, in general, for
everything I just picked up my head and I can remember the
feeling that I had, it was new, it was breathless, I looked
at him and said something that I knew I should’ve said so
long ago, “Billy  I want you to leave me” and he just ignored
it, and I kept saying it over and over, begging him, Billy
leave me this time just Billy leave me, but he wouldn’t, victory!
That’s all I wanted to shout victory! He didn’t have to say
anything his answer was clear, why would anyone leave someone
that loves them? Isn’t that the whole point? So I left that
day and I walked home, my ca was in the shop, I thought oh
man, I hate walking, it’s been so long, and than, I smiled, I
was happy, I’m walking home on Christmas day from Bian’s at
6 in the morning and I’m happy. And I know it’s not too much
of an accomplishment, it’s only been a few weeks, I’m writing
this to remind myself and others some of what goes on. This
isn’t life, and a relationship didn’t ruin me, a person came
and slowly killed me. He didn’t just hit me or just push me,
he took the time to figure out how to completely change who I
am. I’m so confused in my life that I can’t see straight But
ya know what I couldn’t be happier. Fo everyone that gave up
on me, thank you, you never were my fiend I would’ve been
thee for you, and I was, if you read this entire post than I
truly feel thankful. Even if you skimmed it. This is real.
This is happening to a lot of people, men. Women and
children I do not feel soy for myself, I have but I don’t.
Thee are people crying out for help and so are the people
dishing out the abuse. This is my side of the story, this is
how my everyday life was for the last few years of my life
because I met one wrong person This is jail! I was
completely trapped in a cage, belling because of love?
That’s not love! This is evil! If you know anyone that is
being abused you need to be their fiend. You can’t tell them
to leave, we leave when we’e ready, but once you give up
they never leave. Surround them with love and make them feel
special because they are! Every person is special. Even Billy
I’ll definitely love him for a very long time until I can
deal with the fact that it was never love, it was an.

January 2013

*Names have been change to protect identities