Does He Love Me? Self-Esteem & Relationships
Congratulations! You’ve met the “perfect” guy. You have heaps of chemistry, but there’s a small caveat: he’s been “hurt in the past” and “isn’t ready for a relationship just yet” so you’re “taking things slow” and giving him plenty of “space” to “help him work through his feelings” without “pressure.”
Oh! Oh! Let me guess…your “relationship” involves spending time together on HIS terms, you not making plans with your friends in case HE calls, while sleeping together and doing everything for him that a girlfriend would do, but without the love, respect, friendship, and security of a real relationship, right?
Yeah, yeah…I’ve heard it all before. I don’t “know him like you do.” I don’t “understand” what you two have together. I don’t see what it’s like “in the good times.”
But you “understand” right? You just “know” that all you have to do is just keep “being there for him” and eventually he’ll come to his senses and realise you’re the woman of his dreams.
Yeeeeeeeah…allow me to briefly translate for those of you who have been on the receiving end of these comments:
He says: I’ve been hurt in the past.
He means: Sure, I’m hurting and still into my ex-girlfriend, but screwing you will make me feel better.
He says: I’m not ready for a relationship just yet.
He means: I’m not into you and I don’t want a relationship with you AT ALL, but we can definitely sleep together.
He says: I want to take things slow.
He means: I want to take things slow EMOTIONALLY…but we can still sleep together.
He says: I need space.
He means: I don’t have the balls to say it, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.
He says: I need time to work through my feelings.
He means: I need to get over my ex – preferably by banging someone – and you’re just the person to help me.
He says: I don’t want any pressure.
He means: I don’t want the responsibility of a relationship, but of course we can still sleep together.
Does he love you?! If you have to ask the question, you know the answer.
Ladies, these comments don’t randomly pop out of a vacuum and manifest themselves into your relationship reality. There are warning signs. Maybe his behaviour prior to this point in your relationship had your bullshit radar beeping. Maybe you just had that niggling feeling of doubt in the back of your mind that you wanted different things out of the relationship. If you’re genuinely shocked to hear any of these comments coming from the mouth of your beau, then you’ve been living in your fantasy, not the reality of your relationship.
You’re not alone.
Many women waste their precious time with men who don’t love, appreciate, or respect them due to low self-esteem. Self-esteem is the hook upon which the rest of your relationships hang. Women with low self-esteem tolerate poor treatment and lack of respect in their relationships. Even worse, they are prime targets for abusers, users and energy vampires. It’s far easier for an abuser or manipulator to attach themselves to woman with low self-esteem than to wear down the self-esteem of a strong woman. These types of men are like leeches; they attach themselves to you, then drop off into the wilderness when they’ve had their fill, leaving you wounded and bleeding. They are parasites that take without regard for your feelings. Unfortunately, it’s easy for the leeches to take advantage of women with low self-esteem, because they rarely protect themselves from being manipulated and used. They don’t believe that they are worth protecting or that they can do any better.
Don’t let that woman be you. You ARE worth protecting, and you are worth far in excess than what your leech leads you to believe.
Expending time and energy on a dead-end relationship simultaneously reduces your chances of meeting someone who is perfect for you.You won’t find great partner if you don’t open yourself to the opportunity to do so. Stop piss-farting around and making excuses for the leeches who aren’t worth your time, and start spending your time with someone who does.
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Listen to Taz ladies, she knows what she is talking about.
Keep those helpful messages coming Taz.
It is always good to read your wise words.
Thanks TonyS – nice to hear it from a man’s point of view!
Ladies, bottom line, if a guy is really into you, he will not have a problem making a commitment. Period.
Great way to cut through all of the crap Taz!
“bullshit radar beeping”, “leeches” and “stop piss-farting around” – that’s it in a nutshell!
Hi Terez, that’s perfectly summed up 🙂
Fellas aren’t all that tough to figure out – women just make them seem complicated by analysing their actions through the lens of how we think.
@Evelyn – I definitely have an Aussie flavour to my words, no? 🙂
Such great points and Terez is right. 🙂
Lynne
Definitely Lynne, we ladies make it much more complicated than it needs to be!
Atta girl, now THIS should be mass printed and used to slap women in need in the face. Brava. Love that you speak “Douche” so fluently.
You know, I’d add that not all people like this (*ahem* they can be men and women…straight or not…) want sex from you. Sometimes they want emotional support or intimacy WITHOUT the sex. That is not any better, nor will it change in the end.
Plus – you never want to be with someone who is still dealing with a relationship in a bad way. They need to do that on their own. If they *are* really into you, they’ll do that work alone to be whole for you – not leaning on you every step of the way. Who knows who they will be or what they’ll want at the end of all that, anyways.
@Chiara – you become fluent fairly quickly once you’ve dated a few 😉
@NikkiB – great point, some people do latch onto others for emotional support and closeness without the sex. I find that pattern to be much more common in unequal friendships than relationships however. And you’re right – it rarely changes unless both parties are willing to address the problem. You can always try talking to them, but in my experience these people are so narcissistic than the mere concept of anyone else’s needs being of equal importance as their own is completely foreign to them.
Wonderful message to the ladies Taz. Self esteem is the key to good relationships. I have a daughter that just got out of a mental abusive marriage. She didn’t have the fiscal abuse, but he was destroying her self-esteem with his abuse.
This is very true,”Many women waste their precious time with men who don’t love, appreciate, or respect them”.
I have always said when you start a new relationship have a list made up of what you are wanting out of the relationship. This way you can identify all the red flag that say run when they surface.
Keep up the good work and I hope many women read this post and others.
Blessing to you,
Debbie
I forwarded this to my mom since she’s just been dumped for a second time by a guy she’s really in to – both times his excuse was something rude like “I don’t think I can ever love you.” I wish she had believed him the first time.
@Debbie – Thank you. I’m sorry to hear your daughter suffered emotional abuse as well. Physical hurts heal, but emotional pain is much, much harder to overcome. I agree that women should have a relationship checklist. Women are often told to ditch their checklist these days, but I disagree with that notion. There is absolutely nothing wrong (and in fact, everything RIGHT) about a woman knowing what she wants out of a relationship and not settling for any less.
@Sara – Thanks for dropping by, and it’s great that you’re there for your mother to help her through when she’s feeling vulnerable. As much as it hurts, when a guy says something like that, he really means it. I hope the article helps your mother realise that she deserves far better.
It makes me sad to see how many women don’t believe in themselves and don’t know how beautiful they are. Because of it, they often let people into their lives that do them more harm then good. Have seen the abuse many times to people close to me.
Ladies, this is incredible advice but it doesn’t mean much unless you actually BELIEVE it. You’re wonderful, amazing, and deserve someone who will treat you right. Don’t settle for something less, there’s a great man out there for you.
That’s a great point Nick. Other people can tell a woman that she is fantastic and beautiful and amazing until the cows come home, however, if she doesn’t intrinsically believe it she’s always going to settle for less than she’s really worth.
He says: I’m not ready for a relationship….I run very fast in the opposite direction.Far be it from me to try and convince someone of their need to be with me. Been there, done that, learned the hard way!
I hear you THR. It’s one of life’s lessons that one only needs to experience once!
Such a great post Taz!! I agree, self-esteem in a relationship and regular assessment of the actual happenings (is this right, is this respectful when in doubt) is key to knowing whether a person is right for you and deserves you or not.
god bless Xx