“The only reason you don’t have the relationship you want is because of the story you keep telling yourself about why you can’t have it.” – Tony Robbins
Men aren’t attracted to me. There are better/smarter/prettier/richer/classier/more elegant/sexier/more successful women out there.
Hmm…sound like a familiar internal dialogue ladies?
Well, here’s the bad news: it’s true. Sorry about that.
Here’s the good news: how many male underwear models with the brains of Leonardo da Vinci, the heart of Buddha, and the net worth of Bill Gates do you know?
My point exactly. Me neither.
There are better/more creative/smarter/more successful/richer/more romantic/more chivalrous/hotter/more mature men out there than the one(s) you’re interested in too. Why don’t you pursue one of them instead?
When we like someone we have a tendency to glamourise their good qualities and gloss over their faults. We see their positive qualities because:
- we’re looking for them,
- we’re chemically and biologically blinded by hormones and instinct, and
- we filter evidence to support our hypothesis (i.e., they are awesome and we are crap) while rejecting any evidence which points to the contrary.
When you like someone, do you compare him simultaneously to the richest man in the world, the best-looking man in the world, the smartest man in the world, the sexiest man in the world, and so on and so forth? Hardly. Oftentimes you don’t even know why you like him! You just come down with a chronic case of the warm-fuzzies.
When you like someone you usually do the exact opposite to yourself. You:
- simultaneously compare yourself with the world’s best in every category known to humankind,
- de-emphasise your awesome qualities and instead focus on your faults and why someone wouldn’t like you, and
- can’t imagine why someone would be as attracted to you as you are to them.
Exactly why do you feel as though it’s okay to feed your psyche this particularly unappetising flavour of nonsense? Talk about self-imposed double-standards!
Liking someone is not just about success, fame, humour, intelligence, or looks. Assuming you’re not just a gold-digger or after a trophy partner, chances are you actually like someone for their personality and how they make you feel. You know what a special and unique part they play in your life just by being themselves, so why would you think they feel any differently about you?
The concept of “better” is entirely subjective, so just stop with the comparisons already and enjoy being you! At the very least, substitute the emotional self-flagellation by making intelligent comparisons based on your own strengths – not everyone else’s.
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