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How to be Attractive

May 29, 2010

Be yourself.

End of post.

Just joking. Well, about the end of the post anyway. Not about the content.

There is something inherently attractive about a person who conveys that they are comfortable in their own skin. The way they think, speak, and act says loud and clear “I don’t care what you think of me because I know I’m awesome. If perchance you have a problem with me, please feel free to blow it out your arse. Thanks”.

Attraction is a funny thing. We are not always attracted to the people who are good for us. It’s human nature to like a challenge, even when we know that being with the person could be detrimental to our physical or emotional health.

Ladies, how many times have you been attracted to the “bad boy?” over a “nice guy”? The guy who has no future, goals, aspirations, dreams,  or security, over the guy who has his head screwed on, a secure income, and would treat you like a princess? How often have you looked past the shy guy to pursue the guy who has every other woman in the room hanging off his every word? How often have you passed up the guy who worships the ground you walk on for the guy that doesn’t even LIKE you?

Gentlemen, how many times have you gone for the “bitch” over the “take home to mum” girl? The sexy girl in skirts and heels over the girl-next-door type in jeans and sneakers? How often have you gone for the girl you have to compete with ten other men just to get a glance from, over the one who would listen intently to every word you say and thinks your silly jokes are the most hilarious thing she’s ever heard?

The question is, why on earth do people act like this? Isn’t this completely counter-intuitive and, well, just plain stupid?

The answer is attraction and status. Observe the people around you next time you are in a group.  Who does everyone follow when changing venues? Who has to approach other people to be involved in the conversation? Who gets approached? Whose comments and jokes are largely ignored? Whose jokes are laughed at heartily, even if they aren’t funny? These behaviours allow you to discern the pecking order, and this social hierarchy exists in every group.

When I talk about status, I don’t mean someone who is tall, dark, handsome (or blonde, busty, and beautiful), with a great job, investments, and plenty of money. Sure, that sort of stuff counts if you’re considering a long-term relationship with a person and your concerns are about security, comfortable living, potential children, buying a house, etc., but it’s not the stuff that comprises that initial raw attraction.

Status in terms of attraction is about whom is seeking approval from whom. For example, when a man creates the illusion that he is higher in the social hierarchy than a woman, the woman seeks to be re-assured that she is “good enough” for the man. I say “creates the illusion” because the man certainly doesn’t have to be higher in the social hierarchy for this to be effective. He can be a complete drop-kick with no future and she can be a lawyer! But if he can create the illusion that he is higher status he will become inherently attractive to her.

The reverse is also true. Women with an air of unattainability are attractive to men. It’s a challenge. The woman may be a complete bimbo with nothing going for her, and the man may be the owner of a successful business! She may not even be a looker, but she’s usually an advocate of the “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” philosophy.  These women have the ability to induce a state in men commonly referred to as “pussy-whipped”.

Attraction is a hugely powerful force, and it can cast it’s spell on anyone. It doesn’t matter whether you’re single, in a relationship, dating, married, polyamourous, or celibate. Attraction causes logic and reason to go out the window. Have you ever been in a relationship and thought about what it would be like to be with someone else? Yeah, thought so. Busted! 😉

Ladies – it may surprise you to know that we are not attracted to the things we think we’re attracted to. Call it cavewoman biology, but our tendency is to be attracted to alpha males, not to “nice” guys. That’s why you can meet a man who is “perfect” for you on paper, but you have about as much chemistry with him as you do with a brick wall. Conversely, you can meet a man who is completely wrong for you and with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, but there is a powerful sexual attraction there regardless. Women are attracted to who they perceive to be the highest status male in the group. Alpha males usually display a combination of three things – high-status behaviour, humour, and the ability to make a woman feel sexy without setting off her creep radar.

Needless to say, all this can be incredibly confusing if you don’t know what’s actually happening here. Hell, it’s confusing enough when you do know what’s happening! Awareness of the “rules” of attraction does not make you immune from being attracted to someone, but it makes it much easier to discern why you’re attracted to them, weed out the mind-gamers, and discern whether or not they genuinely like you or whether they are trying to manipulate you because they think you’re physically appealing.

To get a better handle on this high-status/low-status thing, let’s take a look at some common life examples.

Consider the times where you’ve been a low-status player in social situations. You plaster a smile on your face whilst enduring the bore/creep/socially inept individual at a party. You ask an intolerable workmate how their weekend was, pretending to be interested. You smile and shrug off an insult, fearing that people will think your pushy, aggressive, or just won’t like you if you stand up for yourself. You’ve got a million things to do on the weekend – calls to make, people to see, shopping to do, houses to clean, kids to drop off, bills to pay, that bit of work you brought home to finish before Monday’s meeting…so you do everything you can to make everyone else happy and then have no time for you. You’re not being yourself – you’re being a feeble shell of the person your really are in order to please and appease the people around you. This is low-status behaviour. You’re seeking approval from those around you in order to feel worthy.

Well, it’s time to turn the tides and take you into high-status territory. Think back to the time in your life where you felt most confident and comfortable with yourself. Now take that mindset and apply it to every situation.  You tell the bore/creep/socially inept individual to enjoy their night…somewhere else. You don’t ask about your workmate’s weekend because you’d probably rather poke yourself in the eye than hear about it.  Your  witty riposte to an unwarranted insult makes it more likely that the offending party will think twice before throwing another barb in your direction. You don’t care what the rest of the world wants done or when – you tell them in no uncertain terms to shove off and stop trying to monopolise your time. You’ll get to it when you’re good and ready. This is high-status behaviour. You respect your time and you have better things to do than to waste it on people who don’t interest you. You have boundaries and have no qualms about making them known. You prioritise your own wants and needs – everyone else can take a ticket and get in line.

In a nutshell, being higher status amounts to other people wanting your approval, not the other way around.

Most high status individuals I know are just being themselves. They aren’t fussed whether you think they’re arrogant, aggressive, indifferent, snobby, or any other label you care to apply. People who are comfortable with themselves and whose actions are congruent with that mindset convey the message “I’m me – and I sure as hell don’t need your approval on that”. That level of self-confidence is a very attractive trait.

In the words of Oscar Wilde – “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken”.

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2 Responses to “How to be Attractive”

  1. Hey Taz

    Wow… I actually read the whole post! And that is exceptional for me.

    I don’t like reading on the internet… just watching videos (although I do like reading books!)

    Great post Taz – made some really excellent points about just being yourself, and that being the best path!


  2. Hey Gideon,

    That must be why I spend to much time web surfing – I read everything!

    I always it fascinating how many more people are attracted to me when I’m feeling comfortable and confident within myself as opposed to when I’m feeling self-conscious and shy.

    Thanks for the feedback – it means a lot coming from you!


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