It’s day five of my More Sleep and No Caffeine power trial already so it’s about time for an update.
The sleep is going great; I’ve been waking a few times during the night, but I have been falling asleep usually within the hour. About an hour is pretty good for me. Going to bed at the same early hour each night has made my secondary goal of getting up at 6:30 profoundly easier. It’s a pleasant change bouncing out of bed in the morning and approaching the mirror with both eyes wide open instead of hitting my alarm three times, dragging my feet to the bathroom, and staring through one half-open eye at a zombified version of myself.
What has really surprised me about this trial is that my body has fought my caffeine fast every step of the way. I didn’t think I had anything close to an addiction; it was merely a habit that I indulged when Zombie Taz graced the world with her presence.
I have had cravings for soy chai latte’s every single day, desired tim-tams once (incredibly un-vegan of me, I know), and eyed off a thick, creamy, rich, scrumptious looking Italian hot chocolate which may or may not have left an unsightly puddle of drool on my place at the table.
Day four was really tough and sent me spinning headlong into the throes of depression. Okay, that may be a bit of poetic license, but suffice it to say it certainly pulled that cushy woolly blanket off my emotions. Now I understand from an experiential standpoint how caffeine pulls you out of your heart and into your head – and how its absence does the exact opposite. From late afternoon onwards I felt an overwhelming sense disconnection and despair that was so intense I actually cried. Usually I would satiate this unpalatable feeling with a comforting soy chai latte. Unfortunately, in the absence of caffeine I had nothing at hand and went in search of an alternate source of comfort food. This ended up being half a container of raw vegan ice cream and a calming herbal tea with my Mum. I felt much better afterwards.
Conclusions so far
It wasn’t until this trial that I realised how much I rely on caffeine and junk food as comfort food. It’s like a drug; in its absence I feel much more vulnerable and forced to face up to the inner emotions that I usually block.
The emotional turmoil I’m experiencing is due to my reluctant admittance that I am not where I want to be in my life right now. There are areas in my life I want to change or improve, but at this point in my life they seem so huge and overwhelming that I shy away from them. I feel like I’m running round and round on a rat wheel and expecting to get somewhere. It wasn’t until the conference in Las Vegas that it finally hit me that no matter hard I run, I’m going to end up at exactly the same place I started until I jump off.
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