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Finding the Perfect Man – What You Need To Do Before You Even Start Looking

February 6, 2009

Many women speak to me about finding the Perfect Man, but when I ask them what they want in a partner, or why they want a partner in the first place I’m generally met with a blank stare.

How is your Perfect Man going to find you if you don’t even know what you want? How are you going to know your Perfect Man when you see him if you don’t even know what the wrong one looks like? How are you going to separate your Perfect Man from Mr. Mediocre and Mr. I-Wouldn’t-Touch-You-With-A-Ten-Foot-Pole-If-You-Were-The-Last-Man-On-Earth?

Temet Nosce (Know Thyself)

Don’t fly blind. Before you go throwing yourself at the first available man you see, sit down for a moment and ask yourself what you really want in your Perfect Man.

  1. What is your motivation for wanting a relationship?
  2. What is absolutely essential for you to have in a partner, without which you wouldn’t even consider a relationship?
  3. What are the things that are not absolute essentials, but are still very important to you?
  4. What qualities are in your ‘nice to have’ category?
  5. What are your deal breakers?

Fortunately, I’m also in the situation where I am currently seeking a relationship. I’ve answered the questions that I’ve asked you above to give you some food for thought, and a starting point to work from.

Motivation for Seeking a Relationship

I’m at a stage in my life where I am happy and proud of what I have achieved as an individual. I am now searching for the Perfect Man to join me on my life path as my best friend, lover, and my emotional and intellectual equal. I seek to challenge my old relationship-specific beliefs and eliminate blockages in this area of my life. I’m looking for a mutually beneficial, positive relationship which enhances the enjoyment of both of our lives while not obscuring other important areas.

My Perfect Man Checklist

My Perfect Man must be:

  • Mature enough to be over mind games and playing the field
  • Able to talk openly and honestly – that includes about your feelings
  • Trustworthy  – I can tell you things in confidence
  • Good sense of humour – you can crack me up, and you ‘get’ me
  • Committed – If we’ve agreed on monogamy I’m a one-man woman. I expect you to be a one-woman man.
  • Romantic and considerate – you remember anniversaries and birthdays
  • Intelligent – you can communicate on my level
  • Emotionally secure – in the words of Kahlil Gibran: “The oak and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

It’s super-important that my Perfect Man is also:

  • Goal-oriented – you’re not just reacting to life
  • Interested in personal development – we are in a constant state of change
  • Tech-savvy – I talk to computers more than people, so I need someone who won’t glaze over on me
  • Financially secure – you have finances in order, spend responsibly, and plan for the future.
  • A good storyteller – I enjoy long and deep conversations, even if you’re doing most of the talking
  • Chivalrous – you know how to treat a lady
  • Confident – make a move. If I don’t like you, you’ll know soon enough.
  • A short fingernails man – long nails on men are disturbing
  • Free of scary bum-fluff facial hair – if you have sparse facial hair, do not attempt to grow it under any circumstances. It is all kinds of wrong. Period.

My Perfect Man would get extra points if he was:

  • Over 6’ tall – I’m easily 6’ in heels and I don’t want to tower over you.
  • No religion – you create your own destiny
  • Vegan – so you can relate to and support my choice of lifestyle
  • Vegetarian – not as many points as vegan, but still good
  • A chef! – I love my food
  • Good in the kitchen, even if you’re not a chef 🙁 – I still love my food
  • A handyman – I can sew a button on. You figure out how to check the fluid levels in the car.
  • Spontaneous – some of the best times are had when life doesn’t go exactly according to plan

Deal Breakers – my Perfect Man will not have:

  • A history of domestic violence
  • Addictions to any of the following:
    • Smoking
    • Alcohol
    • Gambling
    • Online RPGs
    • Porn
  • Commitment phobia
  • Children

Let Me Think About It…

Think about what you want, preferably when you are single with no emotional attachments. Emotions have a bad habit of throwing us ladies off track sometimes! This exercise will help you identify your Perfect Man and quickly disqualify men who don’t satisfy your essential relationship criteria.

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5 Responses to “Finding the Perfect Man – What You Need To Do Before You Even Start Looking”

  1. Hi Taz! Your site has some absolutely wonderful reading material that I’ve been gorging myself on. The “Perfect man checklist” is a wonderful exercise that has allowed me to get to know myself a little better, and remember those qualities in a partner that are important to me. Even though I’m currently in a relationship I still felt the urge to answer your questions.

    1. My main motivation for wanting a relationship is to compare the image of who I think I am with who I really am. Only in relationships (not necessarily romantic or sexual ones!) do you get a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. My current relationship is a great tool for bringing out my higher self, which until about a year ago I found difficult to observe. I’m successful some of the time and when I’m not I try to take note of those things that really bring out my dark side, so I know what I need to work on. I also love hugs and kisses and showering love and affection on a special someone!!

    2. What is absolutely essential for you to have in a partner, without which you wouldn’t even consider a relationship?
    * The ability to listen, not just record and play my last 2 sentences back to me. Listening involves comprehending and thoughtfully responding, not just mullet-style “hearing”.
    * Maturity – he needs to be comfortable with himself and be able to relate to more than one personality type (because my personality changes daily 🙂
    * Helps me grow as much as I help him.
    * Passions – they don’t have to be similar to mine. If he doesn’t have passions/ interests/ hobbies that get his heart racing (and porn, World of Warcraft and shopping are NOT counted) then unfortunately he runs the risk of boring me to tears… at least in my experience.
    * Independence, intelligence (a must, both emotional and intellectual), a sense of adventure and a willingness to try new things, go new places and take chances…
    * The ability to keep up with my (sometimes) rapid-fire thoughts!
    * As well as all the things you had on your list, Taz!

    3. What are the things that are not absolute essentials, but are still very important to you?
    * He smiles a lot 😀 And it’s a warm, genuine smile.
    * He’s into healthy living, protecting the environment and veg*nism. Without any effort on my part, my boyfriend is now vegetarian and guzzles green smoothies twice a day.. apparently due to my influence. This makes food preparation with him super easy! Not to mention sharing raw green smoothies each morning on the deck is a great way to start the day together feeling healthy and alive.
    * He’s a great cook and not afraid of the “female/male” traditional roles being swapped. No I don’t mean cross-dressing, I mean attacking the kitchen with gusto and whipping me up something yummy for dinner without thinking that I then owe him a year’s worth of cooking for his one-off effort.
    * He is spiritual but not religious.

    4. What qualities are in your ‘nice to have’ category?
    * Great kisser 😮
    * Enjoys the outdoors
    * Doesn’t have an opinion on ABSOLUTELY everything.. guys, it’s ok not to know about something! And it doesn’t make you any less of a man to ask.
    * Good skin
    * Knows how to dance! Or at least, isn’t afraid to pretend to know how to dance.
    * Tall, dark and handsome… well you did say “nice to have!!”

    5. What are your deal breakers?
    * I would have once said “has children” but my current partner has a 2 year old son. I never thought I would step into a relationship with a single parent but alas, things don’t always go to plan. I’m learning a lot about kids and myself in the process, especially since I’ve always seen myself as someone who tolerates, but doesn’t exactly enjoy hanging out, with kids.
    * Smokers are completely out of the question.
    * Ditto men lacking the creativity and incentive to do something on a Friday or Saturday night that doesn’t involve drinking and pub-hopping.
    * Anyone intolerant of other races, religions, cultures etc.. people who hate aboriginals scare me.
    * Anyone who feels insecure about my vegetarianism!
    * Anyone painfully anal about cleaning, or anyone who freaks out upon seeing my long hair in the drain.
    * Anyone whose idea of foreplay is longingly asking, “sex?”

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